My Big Girl Panties Have Strawberry Shortcake on Them

I was sitting in there thinking to myself, "I cant handle this. I'm not big enough to handle this."
All I could think about was wanting my Mom or Dad or brothers there beside me to take over.
To be on my side, to hold me and shelter me from the harsh words flying around the room. 
I covered my face and tried to block it out crying and crying, wishing my tears to stop the torment.
I finally reached the point where running seemed like the best option, so I did.
I ran out of that place to the nearest home where a friend lived.


And then I woke up.

If only I had. I didn't wake up from this one. This was a real-life "put my big girl panties on" kind of moment.
I wondered how long it would take before I hit one of these moments.
I wondered how I would react.
And, honestly, I've surprised myself.
I haven't gone running to Mommy & Daddy (although God knows I've wanted to.)
I haven't spilled my guts to everyone's who's been asking, not for a lack of opportunity.
But I've done a lot of drive praying/crying.
And no, I do not recommend drive crying, but when that's really the only place you have alone, 
that's where it happens.
That's where the Lord hears my fears and my arguments and my self-righteousness.
That's where He reveals to me the next course of action.
That's where the tears can flow but be dried before anyone knows they fell.

And He has slowly brought intense truth.
Like the time I was telling him how betrayed I felt. 
How I had given my ALL.
How hurt I was that I had been passed on for something better.
And it hit me.
HARD.
I know how you feel.
I gave my all, my Son, for you.
And every time you choose to find confidence in something else, 
you betray the greatest gift I gave to you.

I'm afraid this hasn't been a happy, go-lucky kind of blog today.
I'm not a good liar, so there's no point in trying.
But sometimes we need real truth.
Not the "it'll all work out, keep your head up" kind of truth,
but the "this completely changes how I think of my Lord" kind of truth.

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