Your Friend is Alone

I don't especially love being vulnerable on here. I've lived in Lubbock for 31 of my 33 years. Inevitably, someone will read this whom I don't want to have a window into my feelings, but the hope that someone will be encouraged by this is greater than that fear.

Loneliness is the single greatest thing I have struggled with post-divorce. Which is an oxymoron to me because I'm the one that filed for divorce. But just because I initiated the process doesn't make me immune to all the feelings/emotions that come with it. In fact, I think it's the enemy that tries to lie to me and convince me that I shouldn't be feeling certain things because this was my doing in the first place. Whew, I could go on with that one thought, but I'm gonna try to stay on topic.

I've always enjoyed alone time. Even when young, I remember chilling in my room reading, singing, or watching tv solo. Growing up with a large family, it's easy to find someone to fill the silence. going to YWAM, there were always people around as well, but I never felt the tinge of true loneliness until I severely struggled with depression, culture shock, and homesickness in my outreach in China. My team was phenomenal, but no one was feeling it like I was. I even offered to pay my parents back for a flight home the first week I was there. They lovingly declined.

Then, once accepted to A&M, I convinced my parents to buy me a house in neighboring Bryan, TX instead of staying in the dorms with all the other freshmen. I lived alone in a neighborhood filled with senior citizens, and the loneliness & depression hit full-force. Once again, I offered to pay my parents' back the tuition if they would let me come home the first month. And, once again, they lovingly declined. After that one awful semester, I moved home for the remainder of my college years. No more loneliness, I was comfortable again, and didn't anticipate feeling those horrible, stretching emotions again.

The month before graduating in 2008, I moved into my own house. I didn't have a roommate right away, so the loneliness came a'knockin once more. But this time, I was still in Lubbock, so I remember hanging out at Mom & Dad's a lot or having friends over. Then, I got roommates, and all was right in the world again (minus the obvious fact that a stranger was now living with me). I started dating Matt in 2009. I had someone to confide in. All the time. He had my back, he was on my side, no more loneliness. Especially after marriage. Now, my best friend was with me all the time. I actually craved that alone time that I used to hate. Living with someone is COMPLETELY different than dating someone and sending them home at night. That was actually a huge transition for me: no more alone time. He's always there. Always.

Then, the kids. Now, that is a whole 'nother level of never being alone. As a first-time nursing mother, I remember feeling so overwhelmed that this child consumed my life now. My schedule. I couldn't go anywhere for more than 1.5 hrs when he'd have to eat next. Cue the next major transition of life. Thankfully, God makes us humans incredibly malleable, and I acclimated. So much so that we decided to have another scheduling-sucking little munchkin. This is when the story gets rough. Matt was unemployed for a year, he started his new job the week Alice was born. The week she was in NICU for 5 days, and I was recovering from an emergency C-section. I remember making my way down from my room one morning to visit her in NICU, crying, in so much pain, and feeling so completely alone. Once home, Matt would work evenings, Jack was with my parents for 2 weeks, and Alice & I would watch TV together. It was peaceful, it was good, it was serene. But then real life hit HARD. Matt & I separated when she was 3-months old.

Now, I was responsible for these two little ones. Just me. On my own. The divorce wasn't final for a year and a half. I couldn't handle the loneliness. Isn't this what I wanted? To start over? To have a home strife-free? To find someone I deserved? So, I searched and searched and searched. I dated and dated and dated, and the loneliness only grew. If I wasn't glued to my phone in the evenings, I was going to bed at 8PM so the loneliness would stop. When it was daytime, we were busy. When the sun set, I was alone. Alone. Alone. And even with 2 littles running around and demanding my attention, I was alone. And that, my friends, is what SO many people feel everyday. One Republic even has a song called "Connection" talking about this very feeling in a world filled with billions of people. And I'm a Christian, I love the Lord, the Holy Spirit is my companion, but I still felt all those feelings. I still FEEL all those feelings. Granted, they have minimized, and I have done a lot of hard work to figure out what makes this Momma happy and healthy. But I'm convinced the weight of loneliness is the driving force behind most of what we do. We buy nice things and drive nice cars to feel accepted. We work out and dye our hair to feel beautiful. We go to the movies and shop and travel to be around others, but if we stay home too long, the feelings creep in, and God-forbid we feel anything. To this day, I do everything I can to keep from feeling alone. I have an empty home right now, and I'm still writing this at Starbuck's.

So, I ask myself over and over, do I need to be OK being alone before I'll truly be ready to be with someone again? Is that the calling of our weak selves? Or is it completely natural to feel alone, and that's when we open our eyes to "all the walking wounded" around us? So, that we can get our minds off ourselves for two seconds and reach out to someone feeling the same way we are. They may have the perfect hair and body and smile, and are probably feeling the very thing I am in some degree. That's so sad, but so true. So, be aware today, because your friend is alone.