These Growing Pains Run Deep

While I've felt better physically over the last few weeks,
I find myself wondering what normal used to feel like.
Did I sit on the couch all evening after work? No.
Did laundry sit in the laundry room just waiting to be put away week after week? No
Did I go to bed between 8-9 every night? No
Will I ever go back to that productivity and energy again?

I've heard several new Mommies advise me
to be gracious with myself after giving birth.
Your body's not going to look the same.
You may stay home from work, but you won't necessarily
get all the dished done or finish the laundry.
Plus, I'm terrified of postpartum depression.
Nobody really talks about it.
Ever.
We're supposed to be overjoyed when our little bundle finally arrives, right?!
We're supposed to want to cuddle with them all day and
sleep next to them and hear them breathing.
There's the fear of not bonding with my baby.

I had a minor breakdown last night over my terror of going into labor.
I know the Lord created pregnancy to last 9-10 months for a reason.
The first trimester you're in shock that you're pregnant.
Plus, on top of that, you don't feel great,
so you may even resent this tiny seed inside of you for wreaking
such havoc on your entire being.
You slowly acclimate to the idea that this is real and actually happening
and overcome the scary first 12 weeks of anticipating
every Dr. appointment just to hear that steady heartbeat.
In the second trimester, you're supposed to get this beautiful
surge of energy (I have yet to experience this.)
But this is the planning phase where you know the gender of your baby
and get to start buying fun, cute little things for their closet and nursery.
Then, in the third trimester you hit the "I'm so done with this
whole pregnancy thing" phase where you're
actually willing to go through the worst pain of your life just to 
get this baby OUT!
Seeing as how I'm at the almost 25-week mark, I have NOT hit
that point where I'm just ready to get this baby out.
In fact, I asked Matt last night, "What if I can't do it?
What if I can't get through labor?"
Of course, that's almost a humorous question b/c I have no choice.
It's gonna happen anyway, sista!
I also hit the wall of "I have no idea what I'm doing"!
What if I don't know how to get my baby to stop crying?
What if I don't know how to bathe him or change his diaper
to keep it from exploding?
What if I hate staying home with him all day, and I'm overwhelmed,
and I end up wanting my old life back?
We spend our whole lives preparing for the next thing.
And if you're a Type A like myself, you relish in the idea of planning.
I went to school for 18 years to land a great career.
I went to driver's ed to learn to drive.
Matt & I went through really in-depth pre-marital counseling to prepare ourselves for life together.
And now, we're bringing a human into the world, and I've got nothing.
I fell completely unprepared for this oncoming earthquake.

These are hard questions to ask.
They'r'e very honest questions.
I imagine, they are questions that every single new Mom asks themselves.
Right?
Please, tell me I'm not alone here in thinking I will be the first
ultimate failure of a mother in history.
When I start to ask myself these questions,
I start to think of all the mothers who have it so much worse off.
I mean, I have an incredibly involved, doting husband who 
rubs my back when I'm crying to him about these fears.
I have a companion who is going to HELP me in this huge life-altering transition.
Also, I'm surrounded by friends I've known my whole life.
Church members whom I've attended church with for 26 years.
And to top all that off, ALL of my immediate family lives
within 10 miles of me.
Goodness, I could be a single mother having this child all alone
in a foreign city where I don't know a soul.
I know all these things.
It eases the fear a little bit.
Most of all, I come back to the utter shock of knowing there are people out there
who do this without the Lord.
When the knowledge that I have a husband, family and friends surrounding me isn't enough,
I get to rest in the knowledge that I have a Heavenly Father who
is teaching me to mother even as He fathers me.
He's teaching me patience even as He administers patience to me.
He's loving on me as I learn to love Jack.

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